Wednesday, October 6, 2010

slow burn treason.

I am extending my apologies in advance to all of you wholesome, kindred minds out there who happen to come here for aplenty of cheery banter and endearing talk of sensored, generalized topics.

I feel like a moronic, delicate, helpless soul a la moment and really just need to expel my hyper thoughts here, there, somewhere, right now. So, here is my dilemma on a silver fucking platter. I just read something, something I potentially should not have read, that sent hella intolerable, paralyzing even, shivers down every crevice, every cell in my body. This said stack of words, which is pertaining to someone close to me, was written in a completely anonymous context, not at all directed towards me, but yet, I still felt profoundly affected. I do not want to be one of those people who is overprotective of the people in my life; but I am/have been tip toeing around the sad conclusion that I may actually be. I feel so shameful for reading what I read, so ignorant, and even more ignorant and weak for how I let it affect me. So potently, so infectiously, and so immediately. This must all sound so ambiguous and whimsical, as I am being pretty vague as to what and who I am referring to. But, that is irrelevant, what matters are the details (my fucking emotions) that transpired afterwards. If I could switch positions with said writer, and be the writer, he/she be the reader, I do not know how this person would respond. I almost want to think in logical terms and think they would not be nearly as mellow dramatic, and freaked out as I unexpectedly appear to be. I could see them encouraging such natural behavior and even going as bloody, thoughtfully far as to suggest ways on dealing with it. Am I just that fond of feeling sorry for myself? Do I need attention in order to feel validated, relevant? I feel like a totally shitty person right now, my god.  Woah, realization. I am insecure, so insecure. That explains this perverse response. Wow Lisa, wow. 

I think I will do with this what I will, but have calmed down enough to rationalize the reality of it and put it into greater perspective. I just hope I never steer someone, someone I care heaping amounts about, in the wrong direction based on internal banter I write on here. Alas, I will brush it off, redeem myself somehow, not speak of this to anyone. Actually, I take that back. I will have to brave the waters and talk about this, as it needs to be talked about. But,I will probably compensate for my doubt and fear, and mentally do some squats and lift some weights before I subject myself to live fire again. I should have known I'd get burned alive. 

A more crisp, loving post to come. I don't promise, but I do assure. Hold tight.  

So brave the cold and close your mouth
I'll bite your tongue if you'll bite mine 
Yeah lay your head on my legs babe 
Everything is fine except the time- Slow burn Treason 

That sequence of lyrics fucking kills me. KILLS ME. 

Thanks Holly Miranda

On ward to better things,
as a few tears stain my ripped, cotton shirt and drip innocently onto my black sheets. Thank god they're black, I would not want anyone to know I have been sobbing to myself. All night.

Hope your night has been substantially, enormously, toweringly, better than mine. Jesus. 


Oh, and, considering this bleak space I'm in, I can't quite find a photograph that I feel accurately represents how I feel, but I know I promised a photo with each post. So, I will post a random, go steady with me. 

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