Friday, September 17, 2010

does everything need an explanation?


So this will have to be short as it is fairly saddening and horrible and fucking sick.

But, basically last night I got word that a dear friend of mine, whom I have know for a good 75% of my life, is basically in inner turmoil. I want to keep this as absolutely anonymous as I can so I will try to stay fairly ambiguous. This poor girl just lost her mother less than two years ago, a mother she was especially close to growing up and I am assuming up until her death.

So fast forward, I get home last night. Casually lurking my way onto facebook for the daily dish, and I come to a complete hault. A total deja vu. This ladies wall was completely littered with condolences, yet again. Only this time, get this people, her father. I didn't know what to do. For the first time in my entire life I forced myself to not feel anything. I could not cry, I could not move. I felt dream like, like everything was happening in the slowest motion. Almost like drowning, underwater. I still almost do not want to believe it, though I made myself confirm the news this morning, and it is indeed true. The surrounding circumstances she has and her childhood facts are what make this even more upsetting and difficult to digest. I can not even comprehend what she must be thinking, feeling? Did she feel everything I did just on a much higher level of velocity? Will she ever be the same? Will she see the potential to evolve in ruin? Why can we not all see that in times of adversity? I am so scared for her, though she has ample support, I still worry for her psyche. It is so unfair what has happened to her. No one deserves that. ever.

So why? Why did this happen to her? How is it warranted? Is it a coincidence, a fucking brutal one at that? What will she seek salvation in? How will she justify this? Will she? Is this some universal metaphor she is suppose to pick up on? My god.

If anything, I went to bed last night expressing more gratitude than I ever have before. I felt a strange sense of calm. I decided that from this point on, I will love harder than I possible can, give as much as possible, and never complain relentlessly about my circumstances. Because fuck, I have it so good, and I always have come to think of it. I don't want to imply that it took another persons misfortune to bring my fortune to my attention, because I always try to be mindful, but it definitely did something to me. I felt on a deeper level of feeling. So deep, I am not sure I have ever felt that deep before.

Love your lovers.
Love harder than you know how to love.
Never loose faith in your self or your pursuit.
Life is here, but it will be gone.

(Sorry this is so depressing).


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